Yesterday I began a two-part post on why it is important to have friendships outside of your marriage based on advice I shared with a friend last December after finding out her husband had been unfaithful. She shared her pain with me and then asked me two very important questions as she was trying to deal with the reality of her situation. Part one<\/a> of this topic addressed the first question she asked me, and today I will address part two. I have changed their names to protect their identities and privacy. Here we go….<\/p>\n

How
\ndoes one get over feeling like when the other goes out that the one<\/span> going
\nout doesn’t love or care for the other as much?<\/span><\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Relationships
\nthat revolve solely around each other with little to no outside interaction
\nwith others are unhealthy and emotionally dangerous. The challenge people
\nface in these types of relationships is that they do not allow themselves the time
\nand space away from each other in order to appreciate each other more. When disagreements
\nand frustrations arise, there are no outlets to turn to to vent frustrations
\nand seek advice. And when and if one party suddenly takes up interests outside
\nof the relationship, that leaves the other person feeling abandoned, suspicious
\nand lost. Their mind becomes playground to a host of insecurities and oftentimes
\nrepeated arguments become common because the person left behind is usually
\nthe one asking a lot of accusatory questions, placing blame and trying to smother
\nthe other person with false affection in fear of being abandoned completely for
\ntheir new “interests”.<\/span><\/p>\n

When
\nit comes to feelings of abandonment and suspicion when your spouse takes up new
\ninterests, it is important to first evaluate your value of self worth. Your
\nspouse’s new interests may be genuine and completely innocent, or they could be
\nthe cover up for a secret that could damage your marriage. Either way, how you feel
\nabout yourself can make or break the situation.<\/span><\/p>\n

If
\nyou are someone who has a strong sense of self and who values and indulges in “me”
\ntime away from your spouse and kids, then your partner taking in new interests
\nthat don’t always include you, or hanging with friends occasionally wouldn’t be
\nintimidating in the least. After all, spa days and shopping with your
\ngirlfriends are equivalent
\nto a day of golf or buffalo wings and beer at the local sports bar with friends
\nafter work for your husband.<\/span><\/p>\n

However,
\nif you are a woman who has lost touch with who she is and who doesn’t know
\nhow to enjoy and appreciate life unless your husband is involved and feels inadequate
\non numerous levels, before you wonder if your husband has stopped loving
\nyou, you have to ask when did you stop loving yourself?<\/span><\/p>\n

Time
\nand time again, stories of women across the globe tell of how love eluded them for
\nyears and it wasn’t until they learned how to fall in love with themselves, did
\nthe door
\nopen and external love came rushing in.<\/span><\/p>\n

As
\nwomen it is in our nature to nurture and comfort everyone around us, neglecting ourselves
\nbecause we feel it is our duty to take care of everything and everyone else first.
\nHowever, it is the duty we are truly called to the most that we neglect, and
\nthat is
\nthe duty of self-care.<\/span><\/p>\n

Before
\nthere was him, there was just you. Before it was “we”, it was
\n“me”. Even now in
\nthe stillness of your mind there is only you. Loving you and putting you first
\ndoes not
\nmean neglecting your loved ones. Loving yourself could be as easy as looking you
\nin the mirror daily and saying “I love you” and truly mean it.
\nPutting you first could
\nmean that for an hour each afternoon, or even once a week, you require your children
\nto retreat to their rooms for quiet time so that you can indulge in a relaxing hot
\nbath before you begin dinner, homework and bedtime routines. This simple act of escape
\ncan calm you and help move you through the rest of your night feeling more balanced,
\ncentered and patient.<\/span><\/p>\n

How
\ndo you get over these negative feelings and move into a place of inner comfort and
\nsecurity that sustains you and helps you appreciate you?<\/span><\/p>\n

1.
\nGet in touch with who you were before you met your husband. Recall things you
\nused to like to do, places you liked to go, hobbies you enjoyed and the friends
\nyou had. What did you believe in? How did you envision yourself as a married
\nwoman? Are you living that vision? If not, what is different and how far is it
\nfrom the life you pictured years ago?<\/span><\/p>\n

2.
\nAssess who you are now. You are more than just a chauffeur, cook, maid, nurse,
\nsecretary and sex partner. Leaving all of the titles behind, who are you as a
\nwoman? Are you being who you were meant to be?<\/span><\/p>\n

3.
\nStep into who you are meant to be. Decide based on who you were before you met
\nyour husband and who you are now, who you will be from this point forward.<\/span><\/p>\n

4.
\nCreate interests and opportunities that do not involve your husband. This doesn’t
\nmean go out and create a new life, but it does mean “getting a life”.
\nStart getting regular manicures, go out to lunch with girlfriends or create a girls
\nnight and go to dinner and a chick flick. Enjoy reading? Join a book club. Like
\nscrapbooking? Get involved with a scrapper group. Fancy the ballet? Take up an
\nadult ballet course. Seek out and enjoy those things that are of interest to
\nyou.<\/span><\/p>\n

5.
\nFall in love with you. If you haven’t done it lately, undress to your birthday suit
\nand check yourself out in the mirror. Really stand there and take you in. Look
\nat you from every angle and observe every line, curve, scar, roll, discoloration,
\nlopsided or even missing boob, bunion, wide nose, stained teeth, graying hair,
\neverything, WITHOUT JUDGMENT. Just observe. Once you’ve taken everything in, to
\nthose parts of you that you normally don’t like, place your hand over that body
\npart, scar, or whatever it is, look in the mirror and say “Thighs (or
\nwhatever the appropriate part), I love you. I love you and appreciate you just
\nas you are.” Do this for every part of your body that isn’t pleasing to
\nyou. Once you’ve completed that step, stand and look at you in the eye and say
\n“I love you YOUR NAME. I love you just the way you are”. Keep
\nrepeating it until you believe it. And from that point forward make it a habit
\neach and everyday to tell yourself just how much you love yourself.<\/span><\/p>\n

6.
\nMake a spiritual connection. Turn inward and connect with your source of infinite
\npower. God, Allah, Creator, Universe, Yahweh \u2013 whatever and however you choose
\nto address your higher source is perfect. Know that there is an ever loving
\npower that supports and guides you and only desires your greatest good. All you
\nhave to do is ask for help. Getting in touch with your spirituality brings
\ncalm, peace and a knowing sense that no matter what, all is well.<\/span><\/p>\n

Once
\nyou can get back in touch with you are and who you are meant to be, regardless
\nto what your spouse does you will always have the love of self. This isn’t to
\nsuggest that if in fact your husband’s affections towards you have changed and your
\nmarriage dissolves that it will not hurt or be challenging. Do expect it to
\nhurt, and
\ndo expect it to be emotionally difficult. But do also expect that because you
\nwere able
\nto get back in touch with the essence of you, those things that you love and enjoy
\nwill still be there to fulfill you as you transition into this new phase of
\nyour life.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

After reading my response to her, here is what she had to say:<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

“Hi
\nKitara!<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Thanks
\nso much for answering my questions. You really put a lot of thought
\ninto them and they made me think to the point of tears. Your answers
\nwere right on point and it’s almost like God is speaking through
\nyou to me. Michael and I have only been married for 5 years but yet
\nBrenda is just now really grasping and learning what a marriage is, shouldn’t
\nbe what should take place with me and what shouldn’t. Getting self
\nbooks now that I feel should have been read before I entered into such
\na spiritual bond. Allowing God to minister in this marriage now when
\nhe should have been here all along. I’m happy that I’m learning now,
\nbut if I would have known then what I know now I feel like it could
\nhave saved me a lot of heart ache. The
\ntrials and tribulations that I am going through will only make me stronger
\nin the end. While going through the trials you feel as though there
\nis not a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel so lost and confused
\nat times. Almost like a walking zombie, but I will soon get<\/span> out of that and I will be fine.”
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Now a year later, I am happy to share that Brenda and Michael are still together, happy and working on their marriage as a team. She admits to having “down moments” when she remembers the pain she experienced last year, but she is renewed by the joint commitment they both now have to making their marriage last.<\/span><\/p>\n

And that brings me to my next and final point. I was involved in an online discussion this morning over at LifeTwo.com<\/a> <\/span>and it was on the topic of a woman who has decided to leave her marriage. I responded yesterday with some comments and questions and another reader replied back this morning stating that I gave “bad” advice. I didn’t take offense to it, but instead responded by saying:<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>“My advice is just that – advice – doesn’t make it right or wrong
\ndepending on who’s reading it and their take on things, it just is.
\nTake what works and dump the rest, and if none of it works, that’s
\ngreat too! <\/span>“<\/span><\/p>\n

At the end of the day, people are going to do what they feel is in
\ntheir best interest regardless to the advice that is thrown their way.
\nI don’t have all the answers, in this case I may not have any. I just
\ncome from a place of trying to help. My prayer each day is that I can
\nhelp a minimum of one person in some way. If I missed something, then
\nperhaps this isn’t the person I was meant to help and that just means
\nthere’s someone else out there waiting for my help. Could be a smile, a
\nkind word, or helping someone a little shorter than me reach an item on
\na tall shelf at the grocery store. However I am meant to help, my goal
\nis to do it with love and kindness. I won’t always get it right, but I
\nwill always keep trying.”<\/span><\/p>\n

I shared that to say this ladies, my objective is to help. If you can get just one tiny nugget from all of the many things that I share on this site, then I’ve done my job. Take what you need and leave the rest as it may be useful to someone else. Take care!<\/span><\/p>\n

In Celebration,
\n<\/a> <\/span><\/p>\n

\n

\n

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